From The BBC script archives

From the BBC script archives:




AP: Good evening! It’s nice to be with you again, isn’t it Ruslan?

RB: Yes it is Alexander, and in a packed programme tonight we’ll be hearing from the director of Porton Down, who tells us he is confident that security there is so tight, they couldn’t possibly lose any of the ‘A-234’ nerve agent that they don’t have; [LAUGHTER]

AP: And we’ll be reading an obituary of Ivan Astyich, a Russian dissident and fierce critic of President Putin, whose death has been announced following a tragic accident next Tuesday. [CONCERNED MURMURING]

RB: But first the news: and criticism has been made of two would-be assassins who flew to England and travelled by train to Salisbury carrying a container of the world’s deadliest poison; a government minister said they took reckless and unnecessary risks in relying on South Western’s Sunday service to get them back to Heathrow on time [LAUGHTER]

AP: The avant garde singer and actress Zsa Zsa La Ga Ga has released her latest perfume, ‘Eau de Eetus’, which she claims has a special magical quality; simply spray it on a door handle in Wiltshire and the whole of the UK will smell a rat [CONFUSED GIGGLING]

RB: Travel: and in their latest brochure, Thomas Cook are now offering a 12 month equatorial beach holiday called the ‘Rupert Murdoch’; their ad says “Now you can spend the whole year lying in the Sun” [MILD TITTERING]

AP: Government scientists have announced the invention of ‘Nobbychok’, a new love potion designed especially for people working in the media; they claim that just the mention of its name will make journalists fall for anything; [KNOWING SMIRKS]

RB: Sport now: and Russian athlete Igor Mortis has claimed a new world sprint record, after arriving in Salisbury at 11:48 and managing to reach the Skripal’s front door before they left the house at 9:15.


AP: And that’s all for tonight; after the show I’ll be attending a dinner party with Theresa May, a thoroughly honest woman and an outstanding politician…

RB: …and I’ll also be bringing three guests! So it’s goodnight from me…

AP: And it’s goodnight from him!

BOTH: Goodnight! [APPLAUSE]



Let’s play ‘Find The Keywords’

Some random but connected articles. Today’s keywords are: monster, butcher, NATO, intervention, U.S., Clinton, Israeli, oops.

Good luck!

SERBIA 26/9/2016:

“[Hillary] Clinton supported every one of the last seven U.S. military interventions abroad, plus two others we ended up fighting.” For instance, while First Lady she pushed for U.S. intervention in the Balkans—attacking the Bosnian Serbs and then Serbia. She was an enthusiastic war advocate, explaining: “I urged him [her husband] to bomb.” Alas, Bosnia remains badly divided while Kosovo has turned into a gangster state which, according to the New York Times, is “a font of Islamic extremism and a pipeline for jihadists.” Oops.

Counterpunch 01/08/2016:

Slobodan Milosevic was vilified by the entire western press corps and virtually every politician in every NATO country. They called him “the Butcher of the Balkans.” They compared him to Hitler and accused him of genocide. They demonized him and made him out to be a bloodthirsty monster, and they used that false image to justify not only economic sanctions against Serbia, but also the 1999 NATO bombing of Serbia and the Kosovo war.

Slobodan Milosevic had to spend the last five years of his life in prison defending himself and Serbia from bogus war crimes allegations over a war that they now admit he was trying to stop. The most serious charges that Milosevic faced, including the charge of genocide, were all in relation to Bosnia. Now, ten years after his death, they admit that he wasn’t guilty after all – oops.


Brookings Institution 10/4/2003:

The United States should not wish to keep (or pay for) a substantial part of its army in Iraq for the foreseeable future, especially given other military challenges that could suddenly appear somewhere else around the world. And it is implausible that we will be able to quickly draw down our current force presence, given the political vacuum in Iraq and the potential for ethnic strife, retributions, looting, or outside meddling in the country. Fresh troops will have to come from somewhere, and no organization is better placed to provide them than NATO.

Involving NATO in post-war Iraq would also help to legitimize the reconstruction process in the eyes of many around the world—making a UN mandate more likely and clearing the way for EU reconstruction funds. Having launched the war without explicit UN authority and against the will of much of world opinion, there is already much skepticism about American motives and little trust that Washington will take any but its own interests into account. Putting the Pentagon in sole charge of maintaining security, hunting weapons of mass destruction, and reconstituting an Iraqi army would only heighten that global skepticism, no matter how much confidence Americans might have in their own judgment or fairness. Putting the UN directly in charge of security in Iraq might be reassuring around the world, but as it showed in the Balkans, the UN is ill-prepared to play an effective security role in a potentially hostile environment. Giving a role to NATO—some of whose members have recently proven their willingness to stand up to Washington—would prove that Iraq was not a mere American protectorate, while still giving us confidence that security would be ensured.

LIBYA 2/9/2011:

Libyan dictator Colonel Muammar Gaddafi is a “monster” and the world will be better off without him, David Cameron said today.

The Prime Minister, speaking after co-hosting a major international summit to build support for the fledgling rebel administration, was optimistic about the prospects of a peaceful transition of power.

Mr Cameron said intervention to support the revolution was justified and in the UK’s national interest.

He told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme: “Gaddafi was a monster. He was responsible for appalling crimes, including crimes in this country and I think the world will be much better off without him.”

Mr Cameron said the UK had played a significant military role in the Nato-led operation to protect Libyan civilians from Gaddafi’s forces as he gave a trenchant defence of the intervention.

[…] He added: “We should be proud of what our forces did.”

Urban Times 16/5/2014:

Ten Things About Gaddafi They Don’t Want You To Know:

In Libya a home is considered a natural human right

In Gaddafi’s Green Book it states: ”The house is a basic need of both the individual and the family, therefore it should not be owned by others”. Gaddafi’s Green Book is the formal leader’s political philosophy, it was first published in 1975 and was intended reading for all Libyans even being included in the national curriculum.

Education and medical treatment were all free

Under Gaddafi, Libya could boast one of the best healthcare services in the Middle East and Africa.  Also if a Libyan citizen could not access the desired educational course or correct medical treatment in Libya they were funded to go abroad.

Gaddafi carried out the world’s largest irrigation project

The largest irrigation system in the world also known as the great manmade river was designed to make water readily available to all Libyan’s across the entire country. It was funded by the Gaddafi government and it said that Gaddafi himself called it ”the eighth wonder of the world”.

It was free to start a farming business

If any Libyan wanted to start a farm they were given a house, farm land and live stock and seeds all free of charge.

A bursary was given to mothers with newborn babies

When a Libyan woman gave birth she was given 5000 (US dollars) for herself and the child.

Electricity was free

Electricity was free in Libya meaning absolutely no electric bills!

Cheap petrol

During Gaddafi’s reign the price of petrol in Libya was as low as 0.14 (US dollars) per litre.

Gaddafi raised the level of education

Before Gaddafi only 25% of Libyans were literate. This figure was brought up to 87% with 25% earning university degrees.

Libya had its own state bank

Libya had its own State bank, which provided loans to citizens at zero percent interest by law and they had no external debt.

The gold dinar

Before the fall of Tripoli and his untimely demise, Gaddafi was trying to introduce a single African currency linked to gold. Following in the footsteps of the late great pioneer Marcus Garvey who first coined the term ”United States of Africa”. Gaddafi wanted to introduce and only trade in the African gold Dinar  – a move which would have thrown the world economy into chaos.

The Dinar was widely opposed by the ‘elite’ of today’s society and who could blame them. African nations would have finally had the power to bring itself out of debt and poverty and only trade in this precious commodity. They would have been able to finally say ‘no’ to external exploitation and charge whatever they felt suitable for precious resources. It has been said that the gold Dinar was the real reason for the NATO led rebellion, in a bid to oust the outspoken leader.

SYRIA 13/4/2018:

“I think (Syrian leader Bashar Al) Assad should be a legitimate target,” Graham said. “Take out his ability to wage war. Give the Syrian people a chance to breathe- and as to Russia, if you keep helping Assad, you do so at your own peril.”

Graham explained the Syrian strikes will have far-reaching effects and could help American foreign policy in the long term.

“Mr. President, you have the chance to change the world here…everybody’s looking at what you’re doing with Assad,” Graham said. “If you make him pay a big price, chances are North Korea’s going to take you more seriously. Russia and Iran are going to behave better. This is the most important decision you will make- is how to deal with Assad who has killed thousands of people through chemical weapons, who’s a butcher and needs to pay a heavy price.”

Philip Garaldi 19/12/2011:

“Unmarked NATO warplanes are arriving at Turkish military bases close to Iskenderum on the Syrian border, delivering weapons from the late Muammar Gaddafi’s arsenals as well as volunteers from the Libyan Transitional National Council who are experienced in pitting local volunteers against trained soldiers, a skill they acquired confronting Gaddafi’s army. Iskenderum is also the seat of the Free Syrian Army, the armed wing of the Syrian National Council. French and British special forces trainers are on the ground, assisting the Syrian rebels while the CIA and U.S. Spec Ops are providing communications equipment and intelligence to assist the rebel cause, enabling the fighters to avoid concentrations of Syrian soldiers.

CIA analysts are skeptical regarding the march to war. The frequently cited United Nations report that more than 3,500 civilians have been killed by Assad’s soldiers is based largely on rebel sources and is uncorroborated. The Agency has refused to sign off on the claims. Likewise, accounts of mass defections from the Syrian Army and pitched battles between deserters and loyal soldiers appear to be a fabrication, with few defections being confirmed independently. Syrian government claims that it is being assaulted by rebels who are armed, trained, and financed by foreign governments are more true than false.

In the United States, many friends of Israel are on the Assad regime-change bandwagon, believing that a weakened Syria, divided by civil war, will present no threat to Tel Aviv.”

Do you see a pattern here? 


Knights In White Helmets

By Panopticon

With Apologies To The Moody Blues


Knights in white helmets

The Israelis will send

To the safety of Britain

Innocence to pretend


How could you all have missed

Evidence we were shown

SCD are impostors

Their allegiance well-known


‘Cause he told you

Yes she told you

Oh how we told you


Gaze at my TV, head in my hands

They can’t all be that dumb, this must be all planned

Hunt tries to tell me, they’re the bravest of brave

If you believe that, pal, then we’re all for the grave


And he told you

Yes she told you

Oh how we told you

Oh how we told you


Knights in white helmets

They’re our government’s friends

Let us remember

On these clowns we depend

To Sara Khan and friends, re Rudyard Kipling’s “If”


By Panopticon


With apologies to Rudyard Kipling’s “If”


“Do you like Kipling?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never kippled”
                                                                                                                 J. K. Stephen, 1891


If you can lose your head when up above you

A poem to inspire you has appeared

And you suspect the genius who wrote it

Probably had bollocks and a beard

If you don’t want to speak with those who planned it

Or ask for a discussion, don’t do that,

Or plead your case politely; just demand it –

That you control the students’ habitat


If you can’t see the benefits of  taking

A logical approach to this dispute

Politely pointing out that Rudyard’s poem

Alluded to a war of ill-repute

Whose origins involved a raid by Jameson

(who was the inspiration for the verse)

which led to the creation of apartheid

So their choice of ode could hardly have been worse


If you, instead of stating your revulsion

Would rather see the mural be defiled

And slap on it a bucket of emulsion

And scribble in the manner of a child

If you can get your mates to take a photo

To show your handiwork for all to see

And upload it on all your social media

In the hope that you’ll be on the BBC


If you can strive to signal all your virtue  

And state that you’ll defend diversity

Whilst making foes of people you object to

Whose outlooks or opinions don’t agree

If you can’t stop, consider, for a minute

The hypocrisy of all the hate you hurl

The future may be just the one you asked for

You’ll be a PC liberal, my girl!


An idiot’s guide to the Skripal affair



By Panopticon


A sad, funny story of Sergei and Yulia

not ‘funny ha-ha’, but funny peculiar…


 One Sunday in March they decided to eat

at a nice little café, then stopped at a seat

where they both felt unwell at the very same minute

now I think that’s quite a coincidence, ‘innit?

So an ambulance came for the pair, as requested.

But when they were studied, and prodded, and tested,

nefarious substances in them were found –

and not only there, but spread all around

old Salisbury town, up hill and down valley –

(the High Street is now known as ‘Chemical Alley’).

A passing D.S. who just happened to be there,

was poisoned like them when he went off to see where

they lived – or did he succumb at the scene?

(His bosses told two different stories on screen).

And while a good nurse who had tended them well

suffered no side effects, ‘far as I can tell,

some thirty-eight people were treated as victims,

but I think that someone was taking the mick, since

a day or two after those numbers were stated

the whole bloody lot of them evaporated.


***  Hmm.  ***


The media descended like swivel-eyed dervishes,

paid no attention to church Sunday services;

campanologists’ melodies had to be quietened,

so BBC viewers could all be enlightened:

“Could you silence those chimes, my parochial friend?”

“Well I could, but at least can we hear the bell end?”

Now Boris mistakenly took that as cue

to appear on the telly, and give us his view

that the case had been cracked by his government sources,

e’en though the police had advised “Hold your horses”;

his bods back at Whitehall had worked round the clock

to identify something called ‘DoorknobichokTM

which he claimed had been smeared on the victims’ front door,

under cover of darkness on March 3 or 4.

‘Twas a devilish stuff that will kill you in seconds,

and was put there by Russkies (or so his boss reckons).

So lethal that only a tenth of a gram

would transport you to heaven, to visit your gran.

“So we have two deceased?” the reporters surmised;

“No, they’re not dead” said Boris, “just hoskripalised!”.


***   I thank you.   ***


Then someone observed something really quite odd –

that the door didn’t seem to have bothered the plod

who was tasked with the duty of guarding the place,

long before it was clear that a poison was traced.

“So how could this be?” it was asked of the Tory,

who conferred with his bosses, and then changed his story:

“No, it wasn’t the handle, but gas-tainted air

in the Skripals’ jalopy, ‘cause Vlad put it there!”

Then when this didn’t wash, he tried yet another –

it was smuggled from Moscow by Yulia’s mother! (in law)

In one last attempt to convince us that Putin

had ordered his henchmen to go put the boot in:

“They may have consumed it at breakfast, you see –

in Ricincles or Special K(GB);

for although it would seem like the plot of a thriller,

I’m convinced that our Vlad is a cereal killer!”


***   Hmmm.   ***


Then a cordon was thrown around Salisbury town,

which was only a bus ride from old Porton Down

(a village connected to our alleged traitor –

for Sergei is he – but more of that later).

The government said that their duty of care,

because of the obvious dangers in there

meant they might have to pull down the café and pub,

so the locals would have to go elsewhere for grub;

And because of the contaminated front door,

their dwelling might need to be razed to the floor.

Well, this understandably raised some concerns

with the Salisbury folk, who took it in turns

to request some advice, because nobody knows

if they’d gotten the stuff on their shoes, or their clothes:

“Should we burn our belongings, or dump them at sea?”

“Nah, just wash ‘em on ‘quick rinse’ at forty degrees”.

“And what of that sinister place up the lane

where your poisons are made, is that whence it came?”

“If you don’t mind me saying, your question’s absurd,

as of Doorknobichok TMay, we never have heard,

except for the stockpiles we keep for ourselves,

and they are all safe and secure on our shelves”.


***   Oops.   ***


The blame was laid squarely on Moscow and Vlad

(as we know from our Bond films that Russians are bad);

expulsion of diplomats worldwide arranged;

accusations thrown, and insults exchanged.

All cultural visits were cancelled or put off,

and Julie Assange had his internet cut off.

Then lo! and behold, our story got murky,

in a village you’ll find in a country near Turkey.

The Syrian leader, one Bashar Assad,

was repelling invaders, which made the West mad;

but just as his victory was nearing at last,

his own population he cruelly gassed –

or so we were told by the Powers That Be,

who strung us a line, didn’t want us to see

that some brave independents were taking a risk,

like Bartlett and Beeley, Stuart and Fisk,

to show us the true situation in Douma –

if the press did its job we’d have realised sooner

that far from Assad being a monster, and hated

by all of his people, he was celebrated

and trusted to stand up as their only true hope,

in the face of attacks from the U.S. and Europe.

And he wasn’t a ‘butcher’, on murderous mission,

but a family man, and a licenced optician.


***   We should’ve gone to Specsavers.   ***


Emotional images filled up our screens,

showing suffering women, and babies, and teens;

they were choking on chlorine, which made us all furious –

but no men affected, which did seem quite curious…

The West didn’t wait, we accepted the claim

that the evil Assad was entirely to blame.

He was guilty of war crimes, as evidence proved –

for the good of the people, he must be removed!

Notwithstanding the signs that the Syrians may seem

broadly in favour of Mr. A’s ‘regime’

and the fact that with Russia they had some protection

from outside attacks, or their own insurrection.

Our Washington friends would insist that they need some

of Uncle Sam’s good ol’ American freedom

which had been so successful, I’m frequently told,

where nations had hardships, and oil, gas, and gold.

The narrative blaming Assad for the crimes

was reported as fact in The Sun and The Times

and most western leaders were keen to appease the

hawkish intentions of Boris and Theresa.

But a doubt did remain that the entire event

might have been a ‘false flag’, with malicious intent –

would our lovable ‘BoJo’ condone such a stunt?

Yes he would, because he’s an untrustworthy cad.




Before we continue I think that we ought’ta

return to the poor stricken father and daughter

whose problems all started when they were infected

with poison – but how this event was connected

to wider concerns internationally,

and the threat of an outbreak of World War III

can be found in the c.v. of old Mister S.,

and the time he was caught and was made to confess

that a Brit double-agent was his part-time job,

with some colleagues betrayed for a few extra bob.

So a jail cell in Moscow was where he would stay,

till a spy swap arrangement took him to U.K.

Here he stayed for a while, but he yearned to go home,

which worried the spooks listening in on his phone.

Was this why the homesick old Russian was nobbled?

Or was it the claim that with help he had cobbled

together a dossier aimed at the POTUS,

that the Democrats hoped would dissuade U.S. voters

And result in the triumph of Hillary Clinton,

with subsequent guaranteed hell, fire and brimstone?

The plot didn’t work, and old Trump was elected,

but whatever the reason the pair were infected,

our government said “It’s clear if you ask us,

that this can be traced all the way to Damascus,

for it shows that the Russians will use any measure

to help young Assad and incur our displeasure;

The agents of Putin can poison to order

And will have no respect for law, life or border.

But nothing must stop the success of our plan

which began in Baghdad and will end in Tehran.”


***   “Highly Likely”   ***


So despite all the evidence proving this crisis

was carefully staged by the West’s friends in ISIS,

these facts were ignored by the Beeb and the papers,

who called for an end to the Syrian’s capers.

This gave our P.M. all the reasons she needed

to mount an attack, with all protests unheeded,

along with her chums in the U.S. and France,

but they thoughtfully notified Vlad in advance;

for this wasn’t a true act of war, but a sham,

to convince all the voters that they had a plan.

A fortune was spent on some shiny new rockets

(replacements would benefit shareholders’ pockets);

so where shall we fire ‘em? Mrs. May scratched her head:

“Well we wouldn’t want anyone injured, or dead,

but we know where he hides his consignment of gases,

to terrorise all of his downtrodden masses,

so we’ll send in these missiles, with shock and with awe,

and we’ll blow the dumps up, which will shorten the war”.

“Won’t those missiles release all the toxins therein,

to kill one and all – a terrible sin??”

A blank look appeared, then Theresa retorted:

“I’d not thought of that, could you please not report it?”


 ***   Jesus H. Christ.   ***


The bombing commenced, on irrelevant target

So the Maybot could emulate her idol, Margaret,

and show that in conflict she was strong and mighty

but meanwhile, something was stirring in Blighty…..



Our young Russian lady, whose certain demise

was expected, suddenly opened her eyes

just as Easter approached, in her hospital prison,

To be greeted with cries of “Christ, she is risen!

And to make matters worse, she had borrowed a phone

and confirmed her good health to her cousin back home

which scuppered the prospect that Yulia could

have been quietly forgotten, or silenced for good.

But what of her daddy, who’d been at death’s door

‘cause he’d got on the outside of A-234?

Well I’m glad to report that, despite the prognosis

that follows ingestion of such fatal doses

both he and the bobby awoke from their comas,

which filled sceptics’ nostrils with fishy aromas;

for what kind of poison, designed to be lethal

has no such effect on these three lucky people?

There were so many questions we needed to ask,

but journalists didn’t seem up to the task;

this global concern that had Doomsday advancing

took a sad second place behind ‘Strictly Come Dancing’.

And the government proved they had something to hide

by imposing a ban on reporting worldwide.


***   Russians can dance too!   ***


So the Skripals survived , but we still couldn’t see them,

the Powers That Be had denied them their freedom

And took them away to location unknown

without access to newspapers, TV or phone.

(I thought that their chances were now slim-to-none –

remember the plotline of ‘Capricorn One’?)

Then just as our hopes had been starting to fade

our Yulie appeared in a green English glade

and read out a statement, author unknown,

that asked if we kindly would leave her alone;

for although she was well  she would like to appeal

that we give her more time to get through her ordeal;

and this sentiment really had nothing to do

with the fact that her kidnappers bloody well knew

that if they could escape from their new adversaries

they’d scoot back to Moscow and sing like canaries.

For if you think that Russia was guilty, I’ll tell you

where we can meet up, there’s a bridge I can sell you…






So that was the last that we saw of the pair

but it isn’t the end of this sorry affair

For although we’re not sure why the Skripals were picked on

It’s clear the official response was pure fiction

and twisted to play to the NeoCons’ plan

to annihilate Syria, to get to Iran

and to demonise Russia, who stands in the way

of a world dominated by U.S. of A.

Who’d support this assault? The U.K. and E.U. did

and lied through their teeth, ‘cause they think we’re all stupid.

But the crimes we commit on behalf of our rotten

regimes to our neighbours, will not be forgotten;

their patience will only protect us so far

then the West will provoke an unwinnable war.

And we’ll wonder how things could have got to the state

where we fear for ourselves and our own children’s fate

but forget that this land, where democracy lives

is now governed by liars, and traitors, and spivs

who will rig the roulette wheel for guaranteed wins

till we find that they’ve played us like cheap violins;

whose fake manifestos fight for our attention

 with lies about justice, and healthcare, and pensions;

who’ll cheat, kill and steal, till they’ve conquered all nations

preaching hatred of Africans, Russians and Asians

and throughout their pursuits they’ll accept no dissent

and it’s all on behalf of the great one per cent.


And we’ll ask God how He could allow such a sin

And He’ll say “It was you lot who voted them in”.




In Memory of Nash Van Drake and friends