From The BBC script archives

From the BBC script archives:

 

THE TWO RUSSIANS

3

AP: Good evening! It’s nice to be with you again, isn’t it Ruslan?

RB: Yes it is Alexander, and in a packed programme tonight we’ll be hearing from the director of Porton Down, who tells us he is confident that security there is so tight, they couldn’t possibly lose any of the ‘A-234’ nerve agent that they don’t have; [LAUGHTER]

AP: And we’ll be reading an obituary of Ivan Astyich, a Russian dissident and fierce critic of President Putin, whose death has been announced following a tragic accident next Tuesday. [CONCERNED MURMURING]

RB: But first the news: and criticism has been made of two would-be assassins who flew to England and travelled by train to Salisbury carrying a container of the world’s deadliest poison; a government minister said they took reckless and unnecessary risks in relying on South Western’s Sunday service to get them back to Heathrow on time [LAUGHTER]

AP: The avant garde singer and actress Zsa Zsa La Ga Ga has released her latest perfume, ‘Eau de Eetus’, which she claims has a special magical quality; simply spray it on a door handle in Wiltshire and the whole of the UK will smell a rat [CONFUSED GIGGLING]

RB: Travel: and in their latest brochure, Thomas Cook are now offering a 12 month equatorial beach holiday called the ‘Rupert Murdoch’; their ad says “Now you can spend the whole year lying in the Sun” [MILD TITTERING]

AP: Government scientists have announced the invention of ‘Nobbychok’, a new love potion designed especially for people working in the media; they claim that just the mention of its name will make journalists fall for anything; [KNOWING SMIRKS]

RB: Sport now: and Russian athlete Igor Mortis has claimed a new world sprint record, after arriving in Salisbury at 11:48 and managing to reach the Skripal’s front door before they left the house at 9:15.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

AP: And that’s all for tonight; after the show I’ll be attending a dinner party with Theresa May, a thoroughly honest woman and an outstanding politician…

RB: …and I’ll also be bringing three guests! So it’s goodnight from me…

AP: And it’s goodnight from him!

BOTH: Goodnight! [APPLAUSE]

 

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